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So, straight from my journal...<br>
<BR>...also, if anyone ever wants an MP3 of a song that you like the lyrics to, just e-mail me [RocketDT@aol.com]<br>
<BR>----<br>
<BR><br>
cold shiver.<br>
veins pulsating.<br>
fear the voices<br>
kill the rush.<br>
cannot make it through.<br>
Not through one more day.<br>
do not know what to do<br>
won't learn it anyway<br>
help, if you'd like<br>
no one minds at all<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>old cowards...<br>
homely bitches<br>
can't feel shit<br>
unable to believe in it<br>
cannot get colder<br>
your hands are so broken<br>
cannot get colder<br>
your face is so broken<br>
cannot get colder<br>
cannot get colder<br>
cannot get colder<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>April 8th:<br>
<BR>tried to find myself out there<br>
got lost and tired and scared<br>
That's how the dying grass grows...<br>
...back into the soil we go<br>
Fertilizing the future as best as can be done<br>
with my salts destroying what might've rose there once<br>
This is, indeed, the seed, from which, where comes a tree<br>
From the shelter of my force-field<br>
to the festering disease inside me<br>
I've yet to discover the feeling to feel<br>
with unequalled emotion that<br>
controls partly death, and most the world of Real.<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>I Would. -a song-<br>
<BR>I won't go home just yet<br>
pretend as best I can<br>
The only thing I can't be is me<br>
try so hard pretending<br>
if I could<br>
I would<br>
I'm scared to death of you<br>
swallow jagged edges in too<br>
pretend I'm not a fool<br>
only if I weren't so stupid<br>
if I could<br>
I would<br>
if you can<br>
help me through<br>
if I could<br>
if i could...<br>
if I could...<br>
I would.<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>Forget Me: -a song-<br>
<BR>Forget about me<br>
all I might be<br>
stop imagining<br>
stop dreaming<br>
try to recall<br>
how I'm nothing at all<br>
I can't feel anything at all<br>
<BR>forget that you care<br>
I believe you're a lie<br>
can't help me out of here<br>
I roll over to die<br>
try to see me<br>
and how I'm nothing<br>
you're a blind little fuck<br>
with all you believe<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>jaw locked, then dropping to the floor<br>
fast stop and stare at the whore crawling out the door<br>
broken handle, it's getting harder to hold him<br>
ride him faster, he's a bitch worth working<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>it can't be undone now<br>
all the faults have their scapegoats<br>
all the hatred is being milked<br>
like blood from the kosher cut<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>takin' trips on stairways<br>
falling faster, slipping sideways farther down<br>
stab my toe on the dreams in pain<br>
dreaming on my way to a better place<br>
riding in the strongest wind;<br>
fighting off all that has been<br>
and all that will be<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>Wash: -a song-<br>
<BR>I was my sins away today<br>
oh, please, let there be rain<br>
<BR>Before my mind runs dry without it's healing ways<br>
Before my life has gave way for better place<br>
<BR>Today, I pray for better things to come my way<br>
I wait so patiently for things to fall to oakce<br>
<BR>before my life has gone away, I'd liketo say<br>
I wasn't afraid of change<br>
<BR>somedays it's not worth the price you pay<br>
to pretend to be someone you've never had to be<br>
some things have just got to change<br>
but everything the same, no matter the face<br>
<BR>I wash my sings away today<br>
I pray there may be rain<br>
<BR>Before myeyes turn dry from the bright sun's rays<br>
to mirror the emotion hidden in my face<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>5. -a song, untitled at the moment-<br>
<BR>taking trips on stairways<br>
falling fast now, slipping sideways down<br>
stab my toe on the dreams I had<br>
dreaming on my way, along you laugh<br>
accept defeat, it was wrong<br>
better dream will come along<br>
I guess it was a mix of back luck<br>
thrown on top my lust<br>
falling all over myself to help myself<br>
want you to get off yourself<br>
eating all the shit you spit at me<br>
I just want you to...I just need<br>
accept defeat, I was wrong<br>
better things will come along<br>
I guess it was a blend of bad luck<br>
thrown in with my lust<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>locked inside, are you hungry?<br>
don't mind the hand that feeds<br>
best goddamned fool we've seen,<br>
diseased, mean, sees everything<br>
everything's the SAME EVERYDAY.<br>
EVERYDAY.<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>Profit [from her death]: -a song-<br>
<BR>the night is cold<br>
I can't hold onto<br>
all I want to know<br>
savour pain<br>
in all I am<br>
some things never change<br>
dream for me<br>
dream for you<br>
as I sing you lullabies<br>
bleed for me<br>
bleed for you<br>
I'll dry the scabs in your eyes<br>
everyone wants to die<br>
don't know how<br>
don't care why<br>
she only wants todie<br>
profit from her death tonight<br>
scabs grow mold<br>
I've picked them all off<br>
you said you'd had enough<br>
I want someone<br>
I'm hungry-dead<br>
give meanother change<br>
sigh for me<br>
I beg of you<br>
we're all subject to lies<br>
hold my hand<br>
or I'll cut it off<br>
whichever you command<br>
everyone want to die<br>
don't know how<br>
don't know why<br>
she keeps me holding onto my life<br>
the latest reason I've yet to die<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>use just once and destroy<br>
suppose I'm an ambitious boy<br>
hid behind a fool on the hill<br>
broken dreams and ambition came and went<br>
don't go on me<br>
annoy me with the throbbing<br>
constantly jostly pain in my neck<br>
time to break fast now<br>
before we fall out<br>
before we go down<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>Riddle Maker: -a song-<br>
<BR>I've got to fuck myself<br>
hit the wall against my head<br>
full of shit regret<br>
beat the fuck out of my head<br>
riddle maker<br>
wrapped in sugar taste<br>
riddle breaker<br>
hate me, my disease<br>
riddle faker<br>
hit you in your face<br>
riddle maker,<br>
make me unbreakable,<br>
make it so she'll stare<br>
take my mind, indulge in my philosophy<br>
take everything you need or don't need<br>
I'll sit and work out my democracy<br>
it makes my philosophy the here and now<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>6. -a song-<br>
<BR>Inhale, injest, I'm not there<br>
hoping today is better than best<br>
Hold breath, slow death, hole in your head<br>
sliding slowly without fear of it<br>
help me, please, I'd like to leave<br>
i'd give my all if it was all you need<br>
I'll show you the things you never should see<br>
if you take a chance and<br>
walk with me<br>
follow me<br>
come along and see what I have to give<br>
feel like it's the first time you've lived<br>
broken bones and shattered skulls<br>
pave the way I walk alone<br>
allthelucky one walk grass roads<br>
(by those I mean the ones in love)<br>
the glass in my foot has crawled up my hand<br>
I hurt myself once, and I'll do it again<br>
I swear on all lives I love you still<br>
but love isn't what cradles the will<br>
talk to me<br>
swallow me<br>
unite tonight, I'll steal your life<br>
I believe this is the best life to find<br>
<BR>-----<br>
<BR>Homeless now<br>
broken down<br>
everyone wants to believe<br>
they have been found<br>
they are unique<br>
everyone just wants to believe<br>
that the colour of their heart is gray<br>
that they have grown apart and stoic; array<br>
the world is falling around them here<br>
that no one loves them, that they have no fear<br>
shameless now<br>
impatient somehow<br>
can't wait to break the bonds by which I'm bound<br>
painless now<br>
it's all pointless now<br>
can't believe I didn't think of this until now<br>
<BR><br>
<BR><br>
-Dave | | |
| Somedays, it's not worth the price you pay.
Something is bound to change.
Some things are bound to change.
Something has to stay the same.
Some thing will stay the same.
Something's got to change.
Some things have got to stay.
Some days, it's not worth the price you pay.
...listen to midnight...and listen to me call out your name...
Some things are bound to change.
Everything else can stay the same,
but something has got to change.
For me to stay, it's got to change,
....listen to midnight...listen to me call your name...
What does the wind say?
Full of lies, deceipt, and gentle pain...
Can you feel it caress your face?
And you watch the clouds break way into new days...
There's the constant, unchanging change;
The unwavering brilliant, shining sunlight beams and rays.
Taking in and then destroying green eyes with gray,
blinding me and you and everyone else along the noble, prideful way.
Surely, something is bound to change.
...for some things are bound to change...
...like the seasons that change by way of day....
...like the reasons you say what you say...
...like the coloured rays after the rain...
...some things are bound to change.
Certainly, some things are bound to change...
...for some things bow down to change...
...like the weather we stared at today...
...like the teathered ropes that make up your chains...
...like the frown worn over the smile on your face...
...like the feeling on my own face of your sugar taste...
...some things have got to change.
Some days, it's not worth the price you pay. | | |
| Copied from my LiveJournal; http://www.livejournal.com/users/altergod333/ ;
...........
Anyway... new...things that are new... I'm just going to pry open my journal, I've been thoughtful lately, and I'll share it with you all.
29th of March:
I want to feel like I mean something
to have some kind of feeling.
I want to feel like I'm falling in love
and earning back trust and loving.
I want to feel like I'm not worthless,
that I'm not a failure,
and that I'm only not there yet.
March 30th:
Everywhere my head turns
there I head towards the end
Forward from the past
and resentful of good sense.
the trap laid out back catches
only what's got to be caught
and naught of what may not
March 30th:
I barely scraped it over my forearm before the skin broke. I wouldn't even qualify this as cutting... hardly the feeling I wanted of pain and hatred thrown into the physical world. I'm restraining myself from making some serious mistakes. ...but that was just a brief spell...I'm much better now.
March 30th:
Portrait of a family
certain of my damage
my state of mind is rambling
I'm homeless but I'm sleepy...
I'm hungry for my cigarette
oh help me, help me
feed me,can you save me yet?
hail, hail, the chosen ones
I'm gone, gone I am
I'm lonely and hungry and tired
and homely and wired and something..
...like dead
Yes.
Rigtheous dead.
April 1st:
:...: ...it's some song I wrote...
I won't go home just yet
pretend as best I can
the only thing I can't stand is me
I'm trying hard acting this naive
-
if I could
would you?
-
I'm scared to death of you
swallowed jagged edges cutting through
pretend I'm not a fool
only if I wasn't this stupid
-
if I could, would you?
if you can, then help me through.
April 1st:
:Slow World:
is this the world I've created for myself
why does it resenble your bare shelf?
I smiled for a while, I felt like I could
If you won't, maybe I should
-
and you my friend; I won't forget
I believe, I scream, I burn, I bleed
I felt myself fall deeper still
When the only thing to catch me are your broken nails
-
In this world i've created for myself
I have your shrine made upon my shelf
I write songs about what you are to me
sometimes wondering what's happening
-
and you, my friend, I will defend
I felt, I killed, I held your hand
someday soon, you'll see me too
For what I am,not what I do
April 2nd:
Little wounds showing up all over my skin
punctures from where I've been indulging
feel the rushing through my mind
someday might come near in time
I watch myself lose myself
take my pill and fake well
much too hard to play it ill
so far lost and gone inside myself
jagged edge on my hands, hold on, don't forget
I remember how I touched you, how I let you on
considerately you shoved me hard...
April 5th:
11pm ... I'm going to kill myself... -writes his suicide letter-
11:30pm...I took some pills and cut myself swell... I'm going to play guitar until I pass out...
12:13 (April 6th) ... I can't stand anymore... fucking ideal...
April 6th:
8:11 ... I tried to kill myself; or something inside me... last night. I tooke near or more than 30 tylenol P.M.s... I fell asleep, and woke up vomiting... Before I fell asleep I cut 3 times into my forearm... (I have this odd thing to where I can't handle anything at all touching the inside of my wrists) ... I played guitar as blood dripped onto my shoes, I woke up 3 times to bellow out my insides.
the cuts are so pretty...red sticking out on top of the white skin...
I was supposed to at least land in the hospital (death preffered).
Everyone wants to give me pills. I'm depressed; I need pills. If they could make me forget who I am and what I've done, I'd take them all... but they don't.
By the time I threw up, I think my body had consumed most of the pills... So I was (and am) very groggy and disoriented.
I now know the worst feeling in the world - waking up after a failed suicide attempt.
God...i want a fucking cigarette!!!
Not only am I a failure, I can't even kill myself properly.
-cut the ending off-
April 7th:
I'm in school two days after a failed suicide... My cuts are healing quickly. I feel better, though. Like, maybe some of my blood or vomit had a demonic disease in it, and it was forced out of body.
My stomach hurts like hell.
I still want to die, I've just got no depression to feed off of right now. It's fucking horrible to wake up; go to school, and work on 30 tylenol P.M.s..the nighttime ones...
I'm so fucking drowsy...
I've become even more paranoid and nuerotic.
April 7th:
From what I've heard about myself:
I've been looking hard for years at my purpose, point; the meaning of my existance. And i've come to the startling conclusion that I am meant to fail. I was born as a failure, and I'll die as a failure.
I constantly fall short of everyone's expectations, always costing someone something.
My life is worthless. Worthless. I am nothing. I am havoc, I am chaos, I am confusion.
I cannot maintain friendships. I can't even pick safe friends. I'll never have to worry about my children, or my wife...I'll not have either... Because I'll fail with the girl I wished to marry.
I have no ambitions or desires... except maybe to die...
...I need someone to care for me. To give me hope. And right now, instead of "you'll be okay," I'm hearing "ou'll be okay...if you do exactly as i tell you to."
------
That should sum it up fairly well.
-Dave. | | |
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